Thursday, April 11, 2013

Thursday Vent! The case of the bad titty job.


In front of our sweet Tennessee home. Before....

_________

I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack this week. I don't suffer much from anxiety. Most things I can be pretty chill about. Except for a few things. Like being a landlord to a home across the USA. Nothing in the last year has caused me more stress than this little "money maker". 

Let me just give you the very Cliff Notes version.

A while back our renters decide to buy a home and did not need to rent our Tennessee home anymore. However, they wouldn't be able to finish out their lease. Not to worry, he had a friend who just moved in from Germany who needed a home for a few years. He's married with children and two small outside dogs. (Dogs aren't great, but just try to find a renter in Tennessee who doesn't have animals. Not possible.) Credentials checked out. All seems good.

Rent arrives on time. For about 6 months.

Then, nothing.

Come to find out, this married German man, let's call him Leon, had left his family in Germany and was living in our home with his local mistress. 

His local stripper mistress.

Apparently our home was her "dream house".

Anyone want to guess what happens when a European married man gets a mistress in the US? Yea, he goes back to his family. And leaves said stripper mistress in our home. 
Not able to afford the rent. 
Leon was unreachable. 

Ms. Stripper did try to pay a couple times. Paid us $1500 in twenties. Nasty.

Now why was Ms. Stripper not able to afford the rent?

Well, in her words "Leon got me a titty job for Christmas and they're leaking". (Say this with the strongest southern accent from a long term smoker and get whiney..... and you have her voice.)

Darling, I understand that! You can't work a pole if your titties are leaking! 
But sweetheart, you can't live in our home either. 

Shane and his friend Todd went over to check out the situation. Want to know how Ms. Stripper answered the door? In a pink t-shirt tied to show her belly button with tubes coming out the sides from the leaking boobs, filling into a colostomy bag attached to a pair of boy cut panties. 

I am so not kidding. And she was expecting his visit.


My only pic of Ms. Stripper

Well, Ms. Stripper tried her darndest to convince us to let her stay. And we did everything we could to help her out. But, when you promise $1000 and send $35, that's a problem. And she really didn't see why were so insistent that she pay. 

She even had a boyfriend move in to help with rent. And when no money came in, he called me to personally tell me he was an actor and was sure his big break was just around the corner. 

Oh. I feel so much better. Wow. You've been cast as an extra in an Indie film? 
That's like money in the bank.

Bonus, Ms. Stripper was crazy. You never knew when nut job stripper would be calling screaming her titties off. Once she called "WHAT do you want me to do?!?! Sell one of my guns to pay rent?!?"

Um, yea. That would actually be great.

After months of us paying two mortgages, enough was enough.

A couple weeks ago we finally evicted her. It was not pleasant. She was not a happy camper.

Only then did we discover thousands of dollars of damage to our beautiful little home. 

Those "outside" dogs, actually had their own bedroom in the house. 
And free reign of the rest of the home.

The no smoking rule was considered as optional as paying rent. 

Walls and carpets destroyed.

Oh, and they left most of their crap in the house.

Good news, after we dump crazy amounts of money back into the house, we will be able to sell it and not get our money back!

So. I'm stressing out. 


The day we found out about the damage, I cried in the shower, then made myself a steak sandwich. 
I felt much better. 

That adulterous jerk and his stripper suck.

Oh yea. And we all have the stomach flu now. 



How's your week? :)


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14 comments:

Jessie said...

Oh no!!! That's terrible!! I truly can't imagine, but I hope you all start feeling better soon at least!

Shelly Dolen said...

Oh. My. Gosh! This is unreal. I feel for you & would have totally eaten more that just a steak sandwich with all that stress!

Kristin said...

Yikes... you can't make this stuff up!! Hope you guys are at least feeling better soon!

ellen said...

Wow. That's a wild story. My week is boring but better than yours. :)

Laura said...

ok Natalie, I have never commented before b/c I'm a blog stocker like that. And a side note we were actually in the same ward a BYU for a semester. I'm am so sorry about your home I would completely freak out myself,but being on the outside of this I laughed out loud, absolutely unreal. Yep my mom life potty training my little one this week is not as exciting as yours. Best of luck to you.

Natalie Jane said...

Hey Laura! Actually, I would put potty training at about the same level as my week. Good luck!

Ashleigh Son said...

You poor thing.... I am so sorry to hear that. Some people have no concept of conscience. Unbelievable.

Gale, Ky quilter said...

This would be hilarious if it weren't true, bless your heart. No good deed goes unpunished, right? Sorry you had to deal with such jerks. :(

jaquelyn {the sweetest petunia} said...

OH MY WORD. Sometimes I just can't believe the crazy that goes on with people. Sorry that you have to deal with all of this... hope next week is better!

xoxo

Brooke said...

Thank you for sharing...I definitely got a good laugh for the day. Laughing with you though, not at you because that situation is HORRIBLE!! Holy craziness. Are you sure that is real life?? Sorry you guys are dealing with this right now! Feel better soon!

The Thomas Family said...

Had to take 45 min. getting a tick out of my daughters hair (of course the tweezers are always MIA when it happens!!!) that we think was in there for 3 days...my husband never gets these exciting things happen when he watches the kids...but that PALES in comparison to your week!

Gwendolyn T said...

My week was better rhan last week. I hope that you guys are able to fix up the mess for less $$ than expected, and/or sell for more than expected. At least you have an outrageous story to go with the mess.

Jenifer Parris said...

I kept waiting for you to say a belated "April Fools"!!!! ACK!!!! Momma I would be stressing too! God bless you guys!!!!

Ashley said...

omg! I don't know what else to say....

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