Sunday, May 3, 2009

Seriously not ready.

The other night I was lying in bed with Shane, both of us silently watching the baby kick my stomach. As we watched I started thinking about how we did this same thing when I was pregnant with Lydia. However, when we watched Lydia, we would laugh and talk about how excited we were for her to be born. With this baby, the mood is very different. I would describe it as scared with a dash of denial.

Of course we are excited also. A new baby! It is just that life with Lydia for the first 18 months was not fun. Pretty much it was horrible. I wrote a post entirely on this subject, if you want to hear a little more of the experience. Though, after rereading that post I can see that I was putting it gently. I didn't sleep for more than a few hours a night for 18 months. I hardly left the house for over a year. Where can you go when your baby doesn't stop screaming? Some things you can get used to, but exhaustion is not one of them. Neither is hearing your child scream for 90% of the day. That time of my life was a plunging black hole, and sometimes I still feel the effects.

Lydia is easier now, but she is still a difficult child. To be fair, she is wonderful much of the time. I love so much about being her mother. She is smart, sweet and imaginative and has brought more joy into our lives than we ever thought possible. But she is- unquestionably- really, really hard.

So this is what I am scared of (terrified beyond belief actually): How can I survive having another baby like Lydia? Sure I did it once, but I barely made it through with my sanity intact, and I didn't have a difficult toddler to deal with at the same time. I know it may not be like that. He may be a perfect angel, and that is what I hope for. I think about holding him close, smelling that baby smell. I have been holding his new little onsies and socks and telling myself that everything will be okay. However, no one could go through what Shane and I did with Lydia and not be afraid.

8 comments:

Laura said...

It is VERY scary having that second one, (trust me I know my daughter was barely one when our son arrived,) you compare what you went through with the first, whether it be good or bad. I found that things were extremely different the second time around though, not only was my son different than my daughter, but how you do everything is so different when you have two. I pray that you will find the strength and stamina to go through it all over again, and that you will have so much fun with your little boy, take it from me who wishes that I had done it more, enjoy every little sweet moment because it goes quicker if that seems possible with the second one! Now I should be getting ready for my little boy's first birthday party! See what I mean about it goes sooo fast!

April J. said...

This seems silly since I don't know you personally, but it is always scary adding another personality to the family. There is always the "adjustment" period. I can say this, it sounds like Lydia was quite the challenge, but you have experienced it now. If it were to happen again you would know what to do and expect. Kind of like being prepared. From what I read you are an amazing person with a fabulous support system, USE IT! Having just had my 6th kiddo, I can say you will get easy ones and hard ones. Just think, you got the hard one out of the way, it will be smooth sailing from here on out!

kristi lee said...

Hang in there. I can't say it will be easy because nothing is EASY about a new born BUT I can guarantee it will be different from Lydia. I remember when I first held Kooper I expected him to look just like Karson did as a baby. I was kind of taken back because he was different in every way. I haven't had a tough baby experience but all of mine have brought something different to the table. I think the second one brings out a calmness in the mother. Maybe it's experience...maybe not. But I can also say that little baby boy cuddles are the absolute BEST!!! I know that for sure!

aurora said...

Hopping out of Lurksville just to say that it really will be okay. Your situation is different, you and your hubby are seasoned parents now, this baby will be different than the first -- even if he is a screamer, it will be different-- and Heavenly Father knows what you can and can't take.
Pray for Lydia and be sure that she knows that it is HER baby, too. ♥♥ She might turn out to be your biggest ally and helper, and babies always love attention from their siblings.

Jill said...

i can't tell you how familiar all this sounds. i too have a "difficult" (to put it nicely) daughter. in fact, one who can throw a tantrum that would rival anything you've ever witnessed! so my thoughts on ever having another child were very similar to yours. we did luck out by having a boy the second time around. which i will say is heavily in your favor. boys are just less emotional and less drama. so, for what it's worth...just have faith that you and your family will be blessed as you welcome another sweet little spirit into your home! you won't be doing it alone...

jill......as in jill from:
freshlysqueezeddesigns.net

:)

Paige said...

Quite honestly, having two has been harder than I expected and the "transition" has gone on longer. Like you, my first-born daughter is VERY challenging. My son is a breeze compared to her, but taking care of his basic needs becomes harder when it causes jealousy and resentment on her part. Sawyer is nine months old and I feel like I am just starting to see glimmers of relief on the horizon: Olivia will bring him a toy or make some other care-taking gesture; I don't have to keep as much of an "eagle-eye" on them to insure that no one gets hurt.

I think that the fact that you are steeling yourself for the worst is a good thing! You will be prepared for the ways in which it is difficult and you will be relieved by the ways that it isn't. Also, this will be your second time around...chances are that a lot of the things that made you uptight the first time will roll right off now.

Also, I am so thankful that I had a boy...I think that it would have been harder on O if it had been another girl.

Are You Serious! said...

♥ After I had the twins and then found out that I was pregnant with Olivia I was scared more for the lack of sleep just from having two babies but they were pretty good babies but adding one more baby on it scared me to death. Olivia turned out being the easiest happies baby ever. It was such a blessing. I'll be crossing my fingers that this baby is easy as can be for you! :)

Sharla said...

I can certainly understand these fears. One thing I know to be true though is that you will not be asked to do more than you can handle. And as a mother of four boys including twins I can promise you no two are alike!! (even if you carry them at the same time) I am willing to bet this will be the perfect baby! And you'll just appreciate them all the more.

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