Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Taking a breather

1:00 PM-

I don't usually get on the computer much during the day. I end up getting sucked in and not getting anything accomplished. Today however, I am too tired to do anything but crash on the couch for a while.

Both of my babies are sick today. I've never had them be sick at the same time. They both have fevers, headaches, stuffy noses and coughs. Of course, I'm sick too, but not too bad. Doesn't matter anyway. There aren't sick days for mommys. Shane and I didn't get any sleep last night. Lydia could only sleep if her scorching body was pressed against me. I am chugging a diet coke like a true addict. I stopped that part of my detox a few days ago when I was trying to survive on 2 hours sleep. Quitting the habit didn't help with my insomnia anyway.

They are both napping. At least for now. I put Collin down in light jammies and a sheet since he was burning up. 20 minutes later I heard him crying and found him surrounded in a chaos of blankets he had pulled from the side of the crib in an attempt to cover himself. It was so adorably pathetic. I held him for a while. He cried on my shoulder, saying "Ow, Mama. Ow."

"I know sweetheart. I know it hurts. Mommy's here."

Maybe it's the sleep withdrawal, but I just started crying. I rocked my baby, sang a lullaby and cried. Fat tears running down my cheek onto the sweatshirt I've worn every day this week. Women are complicated. The more self aware I become, the more I pity my husband for having to try to understand me. And the more grateful I am to him that he tries. I felt such a medley of anxiety and joy. This job is hard. So very very hard. It's a marathon unlike anything I could have imagined. It never stops. The work day doesn't end. In the 5 years I've been a mother, I've had 6 days away from my kids. Just over one day a year. I miss my independence. I don't know when I will feel like I'm doing anything more than keeping my head above water.

Holding my hurting Collin breaks my heart. At the same time I feel I can't keep going, I feel such gratitude for my little ones. Gratitude they are mine. I will forever be grateful for the two years we dealt with infertility. I needed to know the fear that they may not come.  I watch them play with each other, and even through my exhausted haze,  I feel joy unlike any I've know. I love that some part of me just knows how to do this. When I hold my children and comfort them, it's like I was made to do it. I may not know how to be a perfect homemaker, but I know how to nurture them.

For now the house is quiet. There are scraps of playdoh all over the kitchen. I somehow got dinner in the crockpot, so at least we'll have a real meal tonight. 5 loads of laundry need to be folded. I still need to clean up the last bits of smoothie that Lydia knocked on the floor at breakfast. Toys, books are scattered everywhere. The kid's bathroom looks like someone had a toothpaste war.  It never ends. Never. But for right now, I'm just going to sit here and be grateful for the quiet. Grateful my children are still little and want to make playdoh messes with me. Grateful they are only sick for a few days. Grateful our prayers were answered and I became a mommy. Grateful I'm married to my best friend. Grateful for the marathon that reminds me I am doing all of this so we can be together forever.

18 comments:

Julie said...

I feel exactly the same way. But I could never put it into words just as you have. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know others have the same great love for their kids and yet at the same time that hunger for a day off! I hope you all get better soon :)

Love Being A Nonny said...

......."In everything give thanks"....looks like you have that one down! Bless you! Being a mom of sick little ones is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have!

Mormishmom said...

Oh it sounds like we've had similar weeks. I hope you get some rest!

The Pyper Fam said...

I loved this! I have felt the same way many many times; it is so true! I feel the same way about my husband as well, thankful that he tries, sorry for him that he has to deal with it! :) Glad your enjoying some time on your couch with a diet coke, sounds pretty good to me! :)

Laura said...

Hey, I am a friend of carries and have been lurking around your blog. Your post brought me to tears ..I have had a similar week. You wrote down exactly how I've been feeling. It's so hard and never ends..but so worth it. Beautifully put.

Shilo said...

i read your blog all the time - so amazing. your family is beautiful. This post is sooo relative. Thank u for being so honest. Your doing a great job! We have those days and many too come!!

Kristin said...

These are my favorite kinds of posts to read, especially from you. You have a way of capturing motherhood so perfectly. I don't have kids yet, and I'm excited/nervous to start, so it's helpful to get glimpses ahead of time. Thanks :)

Cynthia said...

Thank you Natalie! Feelings are hard to describe at times and you just did it perfectly. I have five children and being only 31 I sometimes long for high heels wine and no responsibility..
I have days that are exactly like this and wonder if there are other moms out there struggling the same. It helps being connect through blogging. Thank you for being honest us moms need to all be honest, it makes life real and so much easier to deal with.

Stacy said...

Hope everyone feels better soon! Been there, and done that. It's certainly no fun.

House Queen said...

Feel exactly the same way dear! And I am sitting here with a TERRIBLE headache! i just begged them to go to their playroom in the basement so I couldn't hear them! That made me feel terrible but I need to ease my headache so I can be all they need me to be! hang in there! You are great!

Carrie said...

I starred this post so I could read it again and again. It's so perfectly stated.

The weeks when they are sick are the worst, I wish for all of you to feel better soon. As you said, mamas don't get sick days even when they really, really need them. {my mom used to let me take "mental health days" once a year when I was in school. Boy do I wish I could have one of those now!}

I had infertility issues for years too, and you know we almost lost Abby. As horrible as it all was, in a way I'm grateful because I'm not sure I'd appreciate them the way I do now without that lens to see it through. But you said it so much better, so really, my entire comment should just read: "what she said."

xcdenke said...

Having fevers takes me back to a rough time. It's HELL and that is about all I can say. There is really only one place to turn when you hit that low. Hang in there. It flat out sucks sometimes. I am just a phone call or text away if you ever want to vent, cry, yell, whatever. Everyday I think, "when will there be a day when I don't raise my voice and yell at my kids?"Being a Mom is SO hard. I have no idea how people have more than 2 or 3. You are awesome and someday we can laugh about all of this while we are watching our kids have kids. :)

Matt and Blair said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt and Blair said...

I really loved this post, Natalie. I hope you and your family feel better soon.

Granola Girl said...

I understand! Ethan has been so sick this past week. He had a fever of 102 for 2 1/2 days and then he could hardly breath--we had to have him on breathing treatments and of course I didn't sleep at all. It is so hard. I'm sick this week :) Love you!

Shannon said...

This was probably my favorite post you've written. And it was partly selfish because it validated so much of what I feel and also reminded me of the bigger picture. Thanks for the beautiful words! You are a really great writer.

Jenny from Crossing the Bugger-Dixon Line said...

Thank you for sharing. I can relate on so many levels.

PoetessWug said...

Very well said! :-) And you just reminded me why I wrote my recent post about strong women, of which...You obviously are one!! Have a...Shhhh!...good day Mommy! :-) It was nice visiting.

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