Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I Want My Mommy

10:30 PM

I'm tired. So so very tired. Dead on my feet is a better way of explaining it. Lydia has been sick since Saturday night. She was so sick, Shane had to take her to the emergency room at 4:00 am with a 105 fever. We thought she was getting better, but today it got worse.

It's times like this I realize I may not be cut out for this job. No one tells you how hard it is going to be. Or if they do, you can't possiblity understand so you tune them out. Being a parent is so completely overwhelming. There are these precious creatures who are totally dependent on you. Dependent on you to make the right choices, to make them feel better. And you try. You try so hard because you love them more than you thought possible. All the while though, you don't have a clue if you are doing it right.

It might seem from an outside observer that I've been a great mom these last few days. I've spent every moment taking care of Lydia, taking care of Collin, cleaning the house, folding laundry. I made chicken stock from scratch so I could serve a comforting meal. As I'm typing, the smell of fresh bread is wafting from the oven.

Really though, the fresh bread is for me. I need the smell of home. No one is here to take care of me. Shane is still working, and I have a night ahead of me that includes Lydia waking up every 30 minutes calling "I want my Daddy", or occasionally for me. Collin will be awakened by her cries. I love them so much, but sometimes, I wish it was me being taken care of. Sometimes I wish my mommy was here. Then I think, for all those years my mom raised her five children, no one was there to take care of her either. It never occurred to me she may feel alone and overwhelmed. I just ate the homemade bread she made, and asked for a glass of milk to go with it .



15 PEOPLE HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY:


Lauren said...
Bless your heart. We've been sick at our house too. Not as sick as Lydia, though. I've been thinking the exact same thing today! I really want someone to take care of me like I'm taking care of Spencer. =) Hang in there. I keep telling myself that someday having "dependents" will all be a distant memory--one that'll I'll miss so much.
April said...
I just told Chay last night, "I am sick of taking care of everyone's needs...what about my needs? Maybe I want to be taken care of once in awhile...I just want to be pampered for once instead of always worrying about someone else" so yes I have been there. Women are amazing. We somehow mangage to nurture despite the circumstances...just wait until you and the whole family is sick- the mom still does it all...that is when I usually lose it for 20 minutes or so-
Life with boys... said...
Sending hugs all the way out to you in TN! Sometimes we all need to feel taken care of, we are sometimes we just don't realize it. The Lord keeps you close and watches over. May Lydia get a great night sleep and feel better quickly. As for you Mom, take deep breaths and know that you are not alone, we have all been there, and yes you are doing a phenomenal job, the best that you can do and no one can ask for more. Good luck tonight.
xcdenke said...
I hope Liddy and YOU feel better soon. Nobody knows more about how scary a fever can be than me. Late night runs to the emergency room are no fun either. You have my complete empathy, prayers, and love. I love you so much!
Kathleen said...
I completely get what you mean. I often wish parenthood wasn't so relentless, that you could truly get a time to yourself when you're not worrying about the little ones. The other night my husband petted my head as I way lying down and I started crying because it reminded me of what my mom did for me when I was a girl, and all these emotions like you're experiencing came to me (wanting to be the one taken care of, etc.). But as we know, all emotions pass and soon enough you'll be having a wonderful time with your cuties again. Sending positive thoughts your way!
Love Being a Nonny said...
I hope your mom reads this post. Nothing would make me happier than for my kids to realize how much I loved them and was willing to do for them while they were growing up. Bless you. I pray your night tonight is a good one. Keep making that bread.
A Baby Peach said...
Oh girl, I hear ya!!! My 7 month old has been sick for the past 10 days with RSV/bronchiolitis and an ear infection and it's soooo hard to watch them be so sick, but also so hard to deal with it....been losing my patience in the middle of the night and my husband and I were both also really sick last week. It sucks to see them suffer and it sucks to have that feeling to just wanting it all to STOP so we can just be cared for and feel better. :( I hope things get better for you soon!
sara said...
I will never forget the day when I really realized just how much my mom did for me growing up. I couldn't understand until I was a mom myself--oh the guilt of not saying "thank you" enough or making Mother's Day the biggest day ever celebrated in our house! The funny thing is, I think that having our moms watch us become great mothers ourselves is the greatest gift we could ever give them. And now they can see it in our eyes--we get it. What greater form of gratitude is there? I hope you and your girl feel better soon--eat that bread slathered in butter or nutella or whatever you've got until you're about to burst! **hugs**
Cynthia said...
Girl do I feel your pain! I can relate and know exactly how you feel! I have five kids and some days I just feel I have no idea what I am doing. I go to bed some nights thinking how did I just deal with all of that! Keep your head up! Us Moms have a special place in Gods heart and he knows we are strong and that is why he gave us the greatest yet hardest gift!
bumblebeebags said...
I think EVERY SINGLE MOTHER in the world feels this way!
Life With the Crazies said...
I'm having one of these weeks too... it is hard. Thanks for the honesty, this is one tough assignment, and so important too. Hang in there girl!
amydear said...
See how many people have been in your shoes? Hope that helps! And I certainly hope Lydia is feeling better. Then you can feel better too.
Natalie Jane said...
Thanks ladies. Nice to know I'm not the only one :)
Green Acres in the City said...
I know sweetie. We are sick here too, meaning Daddy and Mommy. Now Henry is starting to pull at his ears. Cameron, knock on wood, so far so good. I have been taking care of everyone, when do Mama's get taken care of? I am praying for sweet Lydia and you too Mama!
Orange Juice said...
Some of that sounds like it came right out of my own head. I often ponder what my moms thoughts were and if she ever thought, I want my mommy. Of course as children do, I went on living my daily life depending on her, never once thinking about who was taking care of my mommy who just happened to lose her mom when she was 19 had no relationship with her family and was single. I don't know how she did it.

15 comments:

Lauren said...

Bless your heart. We've been sick at our house too. Not as sick as Lydia, though. I've been thinking the exact same thing today! I really want someone to take care of me like I'm taking care of Spencer. =) Hang in there. I keep telling myself that someday having "dependents" will all be a distant memory--one that'll I'll miss so much.

April said...

I just told Chay last night, "I am sick of taking care of everyone's needs...what about my needs? Maybe I want to be taken care of once in awhile...I just want to be pampered for once instead of always worrying about someone else"

so yes I have been there. Women are amazing. We somehow mangage to nurture despite the circumstances...just wait until you and the whole family is sick- the mom still does it all...that is when I usually lose it for 20 minutes or so-

Life with boys... said...

Sending hugs all the way out to you in TN! Sometimes we all need to feel taken care of, we are sometimes we just don't realize it. The Lord keeps you close and watches over.

May Lydia get a great night sleep and feel better quickly. As for you Mom, take deep breaths and know that you are not alone, we have all been there, and yes you are doing a phenomenal job, the best that you can do and no one can ask for more. Good luck tonight.

xcdenke said...

I hope Liddy and YOU feel better soon. Nobody knows more about how scary a fever can be than me. Late night runs to the emergency room are no fun either. You have my complete empathy, prayers, and love. I love you so much!

Kathleen said...

I completely get what you mean. I often wish parenthood wasn't so relentless, that you could truly get a time to yourself when you're not worrying about the little ones. The other night my husband petted my head as I way lying down and I started crying because it reminded me of what my mom did for me when I was a girl, and all these emotions like you're experiencing came to me (wanting to be the one taken care of, etc.). But as we know, all emotions pass and soon enough you'll be having a wonderful time with your cuties again.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

Love Being a Nonny said...

I hope your mom reads this post. Nothing would make me happier than for my kids to realize how much I loved them and was willing to do for them while they were growing up.

Bless you. I pray your night tonight is a good one. Keep making that bread.

A Baby Peach said...

Oh girl, I hear ya!!! My 7 month old has been sick for the past 10 days with RSV/bronchiolitis and an ear infection and it's soooo hard to watch them be so sick, but also so hard to deal with it....been losing my patience in the middle of the night and my husband and I were both also really sick last week. It sucks to see them suffer and it sucks to have that feeling to just wanting it all to STOP so we can just be cared for and feel better. :( I hope things get better for you soon!

sara said...

I will never forget the day when I really realized just how much my mom did for me growing up. I couldn't understand until I was a mom myself--oh the guilt of not saying "thank you" enough or making Mother's Day the biggest day ever celebrated in our house!

The funny thing is, I think that having our moms watch us become great mothers ourselves is the greatest gift we could ever give them. And now they can see it in our eyes--we get it. What greater form of gratitude is there?

I hope you and your girl feel better soon--eat that bread slathered in butter or nutella or whatever you've got until you're about to burst!
**hugs**

Cynthia said...

Girl do I feel your pain! I can relate and know exactly how you feel! I have five kids and some days I just feel I have no idea what I am doing. I go to bed some nights thinking how did I just deal with all of that! Keep your head up! Us Moms have a special place in Gods heart and he knows we are strong and that is why he gave us the greatest yet hardest gift!

bumblebeebags said...

I think EVERY SINGLE MOTHER in the world feels this way!

Life With the Crazies said...

I'm having one of these weeks too... it is hard. Thanks for the honesty, this is one tough assignment, and so important too. Hang in there girl!

amydear said...

See how many people have been in your shoes? Hope that helps! And I certainly hope Lydia is feeling better. Then you can feel better too.

Natalie Jane said...

Thanks ladies. Nice to know I'm not the only one :)

Green Acres in the City said...

I know sweetie. We are sick here too, meaning Daddy and Mommy. Now Henry is starting to pull at his ears. Cameron, knock on wood, so far so good. I have been taking care of everyone, when do Mama's get taken care of? I am praying for sweet Lydia and you too Mama!

Orange Juice said...

Some of that sounds like it came right out of my own head. I often ponder what my moms thoughts were and if she ever thought, I want my mommy. Of course as children do, I went on living my daily life depending on her, never once thinking about who was taking care of my mommy who just happened to lose her mom when she was 19 had no relationship with her family and was single. I don't know how she did it.

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