Thursday, August 4, 2011

The wondermom bubble pops easily.

Today we had a "hot day". It happens when I feel like the house is getting a little stuffy. As soon as we wake up, we open every window in the house. As the day (and house) heat up, we get into our swimsuits and have a little vacation afternoon. I filled the kiddie pool and laid out towels. I dawned my floppy black hat, made myself a diet coke with ice and grabbed my book. It would seem my legs are impervious to the sun, but I really want at least a little color on them before Hawaii. Later, I set up water-paints under the umbrella and went to make lunch.

At the kids request I made corndogs and to compensate for their general lack of anything redeeming (the corndogs not the kids), I decided to steam some green beans. I stood in my clean, freshly mopped kitchen, looking out the window at a sunflower peaking over the fence. I washed the fresh beans and started snapping off the ends. Listening to the kids playing and laughing in the backyard, sweat beading a little on my forehead in our home that had reached 90 degrees, I felt very 1940's housewife. From my floppy hat and one piece black swim suit, the vintage cloth catching the beans and the non-air-conditioned house - all I needed was a little Scout Finch to come running in barefoot asking for some lemonade.

Of course, that didn't last long. I turned the water off and heard a sound I recognized immediately. It was the "ahhhhhh" sound of satisfaction Collin gives every time he takes a drink of soda. Not that he is normally given soda, but every once in a while he gets a sip of Sprite at a restaurant.

Oh no. I ran out to the backyard to find Collin downing the last of my diet coke I had forgotten about. The 44 ouncer that had been nearly full. As my eyes drifted from the empty cup, I then noticied little Collin was buck naked. Except for the fact he was wearing head to toe body paint compliments of Lydia. Where is Lydia? I look around. Oh awesome. She has also painted her entire body but added her hair and the patio as well. Crap! Collin is about to poop in the pool! Oh wait. He must have sat on a large piece of sidewalk chalk cause it's stuck between his cheeks.

Buh bye 1940 fantasy, looks like we are back to 2011. Naked kids eat all corndogs and ketchup. Green beans and plums are discarded on the ground outside. I give them a bath in the pool. The clean kitchen is replaced by a spilt sippy cup full of almond milk and an enormous box of crayons that Collin drops into the milk. Time for nap! Of course, it doesn't happen. Not with "baby's first caffeine" racing through his veins. Lydia asks for the seventeenth time for the dang tape so she can make a "project" during rest time. I know from experience that it will inevitably cause utter chaos. "Please just go read a book for half an hour."

She returns every 5 minutes for the tape until I threaten to tape her door shut.  "PLEASE Mommy, can I have a cheese stick first???"

"Fine, go get it out of the fridge drawer."

Want to know how far a huge carton of soy yogurt will fling itself when it lands on it end? Onto every single surface of counters, floors, ceiling, open fridge, drying dishes and 5 year old daughter.

Rest time is a bust. I gave her another bath in the kiddie pool.

I have a few minutes now while they are watching Super Why. I cleaned up most of the yogurt during Dinosaur train. (Man I love TiVo.) Now if I was smart I would go clean up the almond milk/crayon/yogurt gravy off my no longer freshly mopped floors. Or I could go clean up lunch on the patio. I could go shower.

But I don't. I just make myself another diet coke, edit this snapshot of the happy flower outside my kitchen window (didn't I make it look nice and 1940's?) and write this blog post.

Now that I think of it though, I do have all the makings for a peach crostata. I could have the kids help me make one (Mommy points!) and have it ready for dinner tonight (wife points!). I just might rally! This may just be a successful day. I can be super mom! Or I may just stay on this couch and catch up with the Glee Project. I haven't decided.

5 comments:

Leslie Ruth Petree said...

You're hilarious.

And I vote for The Glee Project.

HeidiK said...

Oh man... I just about bust a gut laughing at this tale!! I mean, I'm totally sympathetic, but still, this is funny stuff!! (Well, perhaps in hindsight anyway, as far as you're concerned?) I think I laughed the hardest at the, ahem, "posterior-ly wedged chalk" business!! :)

The Osborne's said...

Awesome. Sounds like my typical day!

Georgia Collins said...

Your blog is like my guilty plessure. I could spend hours on here reading and never get board. I was introduced to it by my friend Madeline who I believe is your cousin. Let's just say it was a good recommendation. Cheers!

Heather said...

Wow! That sounds like my house every day! Except is usually half full pop cans my husband leaves laying around. I'm almost positive 1940's house wives had the same kinds of experiences, they just didn't tell anyone! Hope your day got more relaxing after that! :)

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